People say some really weird/funny things sometimes when they’re trying to justify something to me—or to themselves. These are just a few of the more head-scratching conversations that I’ve had with my clinic patients over the years, both through face-to-face consults and telemedicine.
ON SALTY FOOD
ME: You really have to stop eating chicherya instead of regular meals. It’s not good for you. Their sodium content is really high.
YOUNG PATIENT (Wolfing down a family-sized container of potato chips right in front of me): But I drink a lot of water. Doesn’t that make up for it?
ME: No, it doesn’t. And drinking water and eating salty food will just make you bloat.
PATIENT: But don’t we need all sodium in our bodies? I go to the gym everyday, so I sweat a lot. And sweat is salty. So I need to eat a lot of junk food to replenish the salt.
ME: (Facepalm.)
*****
ON CARBOHYDRATES
ME: Your mother says you eat nothing but popcorn, instant noodles, pastries, and 2 to 3 cups of rice with every meal. You’re eating too much simple carbs. You’re going to give yourself diabetes if you keep that up.
OBESE PATIENT: It’s okay, Doc. We don’t have a family history of diabetes, so I’m in no danger of getting that no matter what I eat.
ME: Um, you shouldn’t count on that…
*****
ON ASTHMA INHALERS
ME: This is the nth time that you’ve consulted me for an asthma attack. Aren’t you taking your maintenance inhaler everyday?
PATIENT (Visibly out of breath): No, Doc. I only use it when the difficulty of breathing is really bad.
ME: What? Why?!
PATIENT: Because I don’t want to get addicted to it. A friend told me that if I use those things all the time, my asthma will worsen and I’ll have to use the inhaler for life.
ME: Is your friend a doctor?
PATIENT: No, she’s a cook.
*****
ON COVID VACCINES
PATIENT: I don’t want to get vaccinated, Doc.
ME: Why not?
PATIENT: I don’t want to get banned from work.
ME (Confused): Why would you get banned from work?
PATIENT: Because my swab will turn positive if I get vaccinated.
ME (Thoroughly confused): And why would it turn positive?
PATIENT: Because it’s a COVID VACCINE…
ME (Exasperated): Just because it’s a “COVID” vaccine doesn’t mean that it will give you COVID…
*****
ON TUBERCULOSIS
PATIENT: I was treated previously for TB several months ago. But I’m coughing and losing weight again.
ME: And how long did you take the medicine for TB?
PATIENT: Seven days.
ME: Uh…what did it say on your prescription?
PATIENT: Six months.
ME: So why did you only take it for a week?
PATIENT: Isn’t that how long we usually take any kind of medication? Seven days?
ME (Sighing): I know why it’s back.
*****
ON X-RAYS
PATIENT: For the past three days, I’ve had a fever, cough with yellow phlegm, and some difficulty breathing.
ME: Hmm, you might be developing a pneumonia.
PATIENT: That’s impossible, Doc! My chest X-ray is normal!
ME: Really? When was it done?
PATIENT: Two years ago.
ME: Oh. Okay, just let me write a request for a new one.
PATIENT: But why do we need a new one? I just told you that it was normal.
ME: Because an X-ray done two years ago can’t explain what’s happening to your lungs now.
PATIENT: Oh, it can’t? Why not?
ME: Hmm, how do I explain this…
*****
ON MAINTENANCE MEDICATIONS
ELDERLY PATIENT: I don’t understand why my blood pressure is high again, Doc.
ME: Are you still taking your medicine?
PATIENT: No.
ME: Why not?
PATIENT: Because my BP was already normal the last time.
ME: And then it increased again when you stopped your maintenance?
PATIENT: Yes, Doc.
ME: Which probably means that the only reason it was normal was because you were taking your medication at the time, right?
PATIENT: (Sheepishly) Oh, riiight.
*****
ON AMBUSH PATIENTS
PATIENT: …runny nose, dry cough, sore throat, and low-grade fever.
ME: Okay, noted. Do you feel anything else?
PATIENT: Oh, those aren’t actually my symptoms. Those are my husband’s.
ME: (Confused) I thought YOU were my patient.
PATIENT: Yes, but what medicines do you think HE should take?
ME (Sighing, because this happens a LOT): Ma’am, that’s not how this works…
*****
Waiting to Exhale: Lung Doc on Call 
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